It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
