i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
