Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
