Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
