I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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