He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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