Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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