I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
