We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
