dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
