I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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