Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
