I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize