my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So gin and wine won't be happening again
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
