She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think your dad took our porno
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
