I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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