I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
