I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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