Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
