My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
