i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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