he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
