she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize