Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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