did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
