yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
