why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
