I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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