i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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