You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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