I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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