if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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