I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
