I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
