so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
