Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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