Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
