I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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