NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
