I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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