your room smells of hookers.
And success
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
3 2 1 whiskey
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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