I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
