If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
