If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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