so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
