Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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