A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize