Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
