Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How does it feel to date your dad?
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