I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
