I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
