I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
