I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
