were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
