There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
