forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize