I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
