the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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